Therapists know about codependency– it’s a frequent occurrence in dysfunctional relationships. This particular relational dysfunction occurs in family systems from which the disorder becomes generalized to the workplace and larger institutional and corporate settings. A codependent is someone who lacks sufficient personal power to be honest with other people and speak their truth. A codependent is a person who avoids conflict at any cost, who habitually defers to others and ultimately, lives in a state of perpetual fear. This type of individual is not whole, because he or she has given away parts of themselves as a conflict avoidance adaptive strategy for maintaining the peace and staying in harmony, out of harm’s way. Consequently, they become outer referential as their first reference point rather than going within to find out what’s really the truth for themselves. Frequently, codependents become caretakers and rescuers filled with resentments because they’ve learned not to ask for their own needs to be met by others.To even think about asking for a personal need being met from their partner generates a belief that they are being selfish and self absorbed. Codependents are not happy individuals and frequently end up with partners who are angry, selfish or addicted to a substance or a process that continually precludes any kind of real emotional intimacy.
This is the way that modern psychology talks about soul stealing. These days, most soul stealing is not done by sorcerers trying to capture a part of a person’s soul and keep it incarcerated in a bottle somewhere in another dimension. No, soul stealing primarily occurs when a codependent is not willing to keep their own power, and draws their counterpart ( energetically speaking), as their partner. While their partner can be characterized by the codependent as selfish or even narcissistic at times, soul stealing will not happen unless there is typically a willing codependent whose first reference point is the other’s needs. When a person ends up being the soul stealer, energetically, they really will end up claiming a part of their codependent partner’s soul for themselves. If people are unhappy living together and eventually split up and go their separate ways, energetically they still remain connected by virtue of the soul stealing process that occurred by the tacit willingness of the passive codependent involved in the relationship. This prevents either one of them from being relationally autonomous, which will compromise all of their subsequent relationships. While I can go on with greater elaboration, I offer you a link to an article I recently wrote for an energy psychology journal that will provide greater insight with two case studies. After reading the article, an exercise in self reflection you might consider spending a few minutes on is to ask yourself the following questions: Am I a codependent who ends up feeling that I give give give all the time with little back in return? Am I a taker who might even be stealing this other person’s soul unwittingly due to his or her willingness to always provide me with whatever I ask for?
Howard Brockman
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